take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
