I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
