you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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