It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
