I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
