my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
