i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
