it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
