we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
