I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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