I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
