she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
