In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
