You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
