they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
