last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
