I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
