My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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