He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
