what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
