I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
