i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
