i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
