So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize