On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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