You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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