Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
