WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
