so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
