I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize