you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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