my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize