im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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