i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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