you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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