My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
