i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Randomize
