He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
