I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
