You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
