Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
