I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
