I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
