You're a womanizer and a bitch.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
