I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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