bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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