Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
