We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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