he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
