Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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