It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
