i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
