im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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