i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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