Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
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