Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
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