A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize