Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize