Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
